Karl Boyd, Author & Storyteller


The Ballad of Billy Bob and Bubba

Here's a story I did for fun. Try using all the B's in the dictionary to make up a story. I did and used all of them one or more times. Believe it or not, this is an abbreviated version. Prepare your mouth to say "B" a lot, and enjoy.

Besides being blood brothers, Billy Bob and Bubba became best buddies. The brothers' brides, both beautiful belles; Billy Bob's beloved Betty - blond, blue-eyed, big breasted, a bewitching beauty, both bright and bubbly; and Bubba's lovable Barb - a brown-eyed brunette, buxom, with a bulging bosom, beguiling and bashful, but well bred; brought bliss to the brothers by both bringing bouncing baby boys to both brothers' border adobe abodes.

Brad and Brandon were born by Betty to Billy Bob; while Barb bore Buster and Ben for Bubba.

Betty's bigger brother, Brian, a bourgeois bureaucrat from Boston, basking in the birth of Brad and Brandon, bought bundles of baby blankets, bibs, bottles, bassinets and bags of books about Batman, nearly bottoming out Brian's bankbook.

Britt, Barb's brother from the barren badlands; a bowlegged, bucktoothed buckaroo in bulky buckskins, with a bearish build, and a bulbous beak, bundled the boys - Buster in a buffalo robe and Ben in a Bearskin, aboard a buckboard.

The brindled bay bearing the buckboard bucked because a briar became embedded beneath its bit. The buckboard bounced on a bump, became airborne on a bevel, about to the brink of tumbling. Britt brandished a bullwhip, bore back on the brake and the bay's bridle, and subdued the beast.

The bairn were badly bobbed about and Barb bristled at Britt's blunder. Believing he was being brotherly, Britt bore the brunt of Barb's abuse. Bubba believed Britt was a bumpkin and a bonehead.

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Billy Bob and Bubba became business barons by building "Billy Bob's and Bubba's Bait Barn, Beach, and Bingo Bar" in Bloody Butte, Nebraska. Business blossomed and the brothers' bank balances bulged with big bucks. Billy Bob and Bubba believed business would become better, so the brothers built a bowling alley, a bakery, a barbecue and boutique - back-to-back.

Barb got busy beating batter, baked bread, buttermilk biscuits, bagels, blackberry and blueberry buns, banana bread, brownies and Brown Betties with butterscotch broth at the Bakery.

Betty busily boiled and broiled beets, barley, borsch, butter beans with basil, and basted broccoli with bamboo bits. Boston baked beans abounded and braised barbecue brisket was baked on briquettes and butane braziers in the Barbecue.

Bushels of bouquets, baskets of bonbons, bon ton bonnets, brackets of bow ties and bobby pins were brought to the Boutique. Barb and Betty's buying binges made the bins in the backroom of the Boutique brim with breakable bric-a-brac. "Best Buy Brochures" brought buyers and browsers to the Boutique.

Billy Bob and Bubba brazenly bragged and boasted that the biggest bass bit better on the brothers' "Bug Bait". Borrowing boats and buying bait by the bucket, buddies of Billy Bob and Bubba bagged the best batches of big bass, bream, bluegills and bullheads.

Bubba bedazzled his buddies by bending branding irons with his bulging biceps. Billy Bob's brawny build and brutish bearing belied the brains beneath his balding pate. Everybody believed Billy Bob and Bubba were "boffo" and Betty and Barb were "Blue Bloods" - the best of the beautiful broads in Bloody Butte.

Business boomed and Billy Bob and Bubba began building a box office, bathrooms, and a boardwalk with baseball, basketball, badminton and boxing booths. Nobody "booed" if you batted or bunted a ball badly or was bothered if you basked unabashedly in your brilliance at banking a basketball off the backboard or bonking a badminton birdie beyond the boundary.

Bright banners blared and billboards beckoned bowlers and bingo players by the busload.

Bowlers bowled bowling balls; bingo players bellowed "BINGO"; balmy breezes blew; boaters boated and buoys and blue beacons bounced and bobbed in the harbor. Beach bums built bonfires, beat bongos and played "Beach Blanket Bingo" with beach bunnies. Bantam boxers boxed brawls and bouts (broadcast blow-by-blow), and Barb and Betty's businesses blossomed.

Bobby Brown, an old boyfriend of Betty's was brokenhearted and his brain went blank when he beheld the blurb in the Baptist Bulletin about Betty's betrothal to Billy Bob. Embittered and embarrassed, Bobby bolted from Bloody Butte.

Bobby became a broker in a brokerage firm in Baltimore, met Belinda, who brightened and beatified Bobby's being. Bobby became betrothed to Belinda and begged Billy Bob to be his best man. Barb bought boutonnieres for the boys' buttonholes and Belinda, in a beautiful brocaded bridal gown, became Bobby's bride.

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Bobby's background in the brokerage firm was blue ribbon bonds. He brought bonds to Bloody Butte for Billy Bob and Bubba to buy for building barracks in Bermuda to billet and bivouac British brigades for battlefield and beachhead maneuvers on a biannual basis.

Bobby "ballyhooed" the bonds with such bravado that Billy Bob and Bubba bought the bulk of the bonds.

Billy Bob and Bubba branched out by buying a brewery and brewing big barrels of beverages and batches of bottled beer, labeled "Bloody Butte Brew".

Billy Bob's brother-in-law, Bruce, (Betty brother from Boise), a bachelor bareback bronco buster and bull back rider boasted the brothers could benefit by boldly betting on Bruce in the Bloody Butte Rodeo. Believing Bruce, Billy Bob and Bubba bet big banknotes on Bruce.

The bull bested Bruce; (bystanders "ballyhooing" "Bravo for the Bull!). The beastly bronco bucked Bruce in his blue jeans from its back before the buzzer buzzed, bruising Bruce's backbone, bladder and buttocks badly. "Get the Bucko a Burro", somebody brayed.

"Boy, what a boondoggle", Bubba blurted. Billy Bob bid his and Bubba's big bucks "Bye-Bye".

Bruce was busted for betting with a bookmaker, for bunco, bigamy and substance abuse with barbiturates. Billy Bob and Bubba balked at bailing out Betty's Brother.

Billy Bob browbeat Bruce as a barefaced baboon, a bounder and a bum.

Bubba, not bothering to bandy about, berated Bruce as "A backsliding, backbiting, barbaric bastard from the backwoods, befitting beheading."

Betty and Barb believed the boys were biased and bitter.

From the bench, Bruce's bilingual barrister bluffed, but his brief on Bruce's behalf was rebuffed as unbelievable by a judge not blinded or bemused by the barrister. Bruce bit the bullet and was bracketed behind bars in the brig by the Bailiff.

Because of the bad blood, and to avoid a bloodbath, Bruce was banished bag and baggage by boxcar back to Boise.

Billy Bob befriended Bert from Bartonville, a nearby berg, and bolstered Bert's membership before the board of the Benevolent Brotherhood of Beavers. Bert bragged about his boy, Bart, a biochemist, big on biology and botany, and begged Billy Boy to go to bat for Bart's membership.

Billy Bob blackballed Bart with his ballot because Bert was a bootlegger, burning birch bark and boiling and blending brown sugar and barley in beakers and bottling barleycorn behind the barn in Bert's barnyard.

Bert believed Billy Bob was a bigot, a boob and a blockhead. Bert brooded about Billy Bob being bossy; bought a blunderbuss and boasted he would ambush Billy Bob for his betrayal, blacklisting and besmirching of Bart.

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Bubba's buddies briefed Bubba about Bert's bragging, so Bubba braced Bert in a bistro. Bert's blustering was bluff, Bubba believed. Bubba bade Bert to behest and behave and not bother Billy Bob or the Bozo's bragging would boomerang and Bubba would beat Bert black and blue and bloody Bert's nose to boot.

Knowing Bubba to be brutal, Bert backed down and behaved, blaming his being a braggart on bad blood pressure.

Bart's bootlegging ended abruptly because a buddy, on a bender, bought beclouded barleycorn from Bart, became bedeviled on the bad booze and bellowed like a berserk banshee. Such barbaric behavior made Bart believe becoming a botanist was better than being a bounder by bootlegging. Bart's better behavior made him bearable and benefited Bart a berth in the Benevolent Brotherhood of Beavers.

Billy Bob did not belabor Bart's past bad behavior. Let bygones be bygones, Billy Bob, Bubba, Bert and Bart believed.

The boys, Brad, Brandon, Buster and Ben, had barely been babes before they bartered baby baths, blankets and buggies with rubber bumpers for a Buick La Sabre with bucket seats and began buying binoculars to behold bevies of bathing beauties at the beach.

Beautiful bronzed bodies were barely banded with bikinis. Belly buttons blinked and behinds were briefly bound. Bawdy belles bravely went bare breasted and the bouncing boobies had the boys breathing with bated breath.

Buster became a bard by blabbing to Brandon about the birds and bees. Brandon was labeled a buffoon and bird-brain for believing babies were borne by a big bird.

Brandon branded such bilge as blaspheme.

Betty blushed, but bought Brandon a book and how babies are beget, which was beneficial to Brandon's bewilderment.

Buster became a bodyguard and bouncer at a bordello (briefly). The basis of the brevity being somewhere betwixt and between Barb's belief in the Bible and Buster's Baptist upbringing.

Barb boxed Buster's ears for his bad behavior.

Buster quit bossing at the brothel and became a budding builder of boroughs and a member of the Better Business Bureau.

Unbeknownst to Billy Bob and Bubba, Bertha, the bookkeeper from the Budget Bureau was bilking the brothers by buying black-market bullion bars, billing the brothers with bogus books and balances and burying the boodle of booty in briefcases in her basement.

The Bait Shop was burglarized, but the burglar bungled the break-in. A blaze, blamed on the bungled burglary, burned the Bakery, Barbecue and Boutique. The Bloody Butte Bucket Brigade barely beat back the blaze before it burned other businesses.

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The bowling lanes bowed and bowlers bemoaned.

No breezes blew; boats became becalmed and bedecked with barnacles.

Beaches became befouled; the water became brackish and bass bloated because of brine.

Bookies and bad men bribed boxers to box bogus bouts (Bribery brought blows below-the-belt.)

The Bingo Bar was busted by bankruptcy because a "Big Bucks Bonus Bonanza" backfired by a "BINGO" being bellowed before a bona fide back-up bankroll could be built.

The boardwalk, the baseball, basketball, badminton and boxing booths were badly buffeted and battered by a blizzard

A boycott by the British Brevet Brigadier General banned everybody but British businesses from building the barracks in Bermuda, so Billy Bob's and Bubba's bonds became a bug-a-boo.

Billy Bob's backache became bursitis.

The booze in the Brewery boiled beyond belief and became bitter.

A behemoth earthquake broke billions of bottles in the Brewery.

Boulders blocked the boulevard by the brothers' businesses and laborers bulldozed a by-pass and barricaded the by-way to the brothers' businesses.

Business became bland and bleak.

A bandit stabbed Billy Bob in the butt with a blunt bladed bayonet. Billy Bob brandished a baseball bat and battled back bravely; burgeoning the bully black and blue. The brute bolted, but was nabbed, subdued and briskly bound.

Barb was bleary eyed and Betty blubbered "Boo-Hoo" and bawled as they beheld Billy Bob's bruised and bloodied backside; but after bandaging, it barely bled. Billy Bob's bowels were beset with bacteria, which bred Botulism. Billy Bob succumbed after a brief illness and was buried with Betty's Bible, by a babbling brook.

Billy Bob, being beholden to Betty, bequeathed his businesses to her and the boys, Brad and Brandon.

Believing being busy was best for his bereavement, Bubba burrowed for Badgers beneath the barn with a backhoe.

Betty and Barb believed Bubba was behaving bravely, so bussed to Biloxi with the boys, (Brad, Brandon, Buster and Ben), on a business buying binge.

Betty, Barb and the boys bunked at a Biloxi Bed and Breakfast bungalow. By and by, Betty and Barb blasted off to the Beauty shop to have bangs bobbed. The boys bowed to the barber's blade.

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Back home, big bunches of bumble bees, disturbed by Bubba's burrowing, stung Bubba badly. Bubba became blistered and bumpy, bent backward, blacked out and bounced off the bucket of the backhoe, breaking his back. Blessedly, Bubba had breathed his last breath.

Buzzards, blowflies and bloodsucking bugs burrowed Bubba's body before Betty and Barb got back from Biloxi.

Betty and Barb both blanched and barfed when they beheld Bubba's bleached bones.

Bubba was buried beside Billy Bob.

Barb and the boys, Ben and Buster, were the beneficiaries of Bubba's will.

Brokenhearted and besieged by bills, Betty and Barb watched their businesses go "belly-up"; their bank balances bottom-out and their bubble burst.

They belatedly blamed the bad fortune on being burdened with too many "B's" from the beginning.

Betty and Barb, being big-hearted, cried continually concerning the card received carrying a copy of Cousins Carol and Carl's Canning Company calamity, but then, that's another story...

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Short Story Collection

True Competitor
Ballad of Billy Bob & Bubba
Grandmother & the Wicked Witch
To Kill or Not to Kill; That is The Question
Frank's New Boat
My Island in the Sun
George and the "Thunderbolt"
Honesty is the Best Policy!


Award Winner for
"The Nearly Perfect Plan"


Member of the Military Writers Society of America

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